A LIFE-ALTERING REVELATION

My emotions are a mix of anger, confusion, disappointment, and guardedness. I'm at a dead end. I question God, wondering why this process has to be so difficult. Despite feeling overwhelmed, I quickly compose myself and focus on the task at hand: it's time to confront my father and get some answers.

“Harrison, why did you give me that lady's name?”

“Who are you talking about, Jesikah?”

His tone changed, and I immediately sensed his nervousness.

“You know who I'm talking about - my other biological parent. I looked her up and called her. She said she hasn't seen you since the 70s. Why did you give me that lady's name?”

Silence.

In my mind, I'm thinking, "I know this man didn't hang up on me."

“Harrison!”

“Yeah, yeah. You called that lady?”

As my father continues to talk, I can feel my world crashing down. He admits to not being my biological father. Instead, he and my mother decided to lie and say he was my biological father to put an end to the search. They never anticipated the magnitude of the impact of their lies.

I'm numb, speechless, angry, annoyed, and disappointed. Those closest to me have decided to make decisions for me and continue to lie to me. This feeling of betrayal runs deep and changes how I perceive people moving forward.

Everything changed when my uncle accidentally mentioned "my mother." After confronting my parents, I’m told that my father is my biological father, but my mother is not. My parents initially tried to cover up the truth by claiming that I was conceived through a surrogate in the 80s, but this lie didn't hold up for long. They eventually reverted to their original story, which made me wonder who my biological mother really was. My father eventually gave me a name, but when I contacted her, I discovered that it was yet another lie. To my shock, I was later told that neither of my parents had any biological connection to me. I feel completely overwhelmed and don't know where to turn.

As a preteen, I never had any questions about my lineage. But now, as an adult woman, wife, and mother, I'm left not knowing who I am and feeling betrayed by the ones I trusted most.

This emotional baggage weighs heavily on me for years. I bottle it up, consume it, and bury it deep within myself... or so I thought.

Finally, it's time to start the real search for answers. I call Shelbi and explain the newfound revelation, which changes the trajectory of my search.

We decide it’s time to do Ancestry DNA. I order the kit, follow the directions, and submit my sample. Weeks go by and then my results come back. There are multiple people/names popping up on my account. NONE OF THESE NAMES LOOK FAMILIAR.

Can you imagine not knowing anyone, but you are biologically connected to them?

5th cousins, 4th cousins, none close though, at least not yet. Shelbi comforts me by informing me that this is not necessarily going to be an overnight situation. I brace myself for the unknown.

Over time we find different people, and Shelbi reaches out to individuals to no avail. I’ve sent messages to people; some have responded, some haven’t. Still, no definite answers.

Some family members haven’t been as welcoming to the idea of me doing a biological search. I have had some members of my family ask me, “Why are you asking questions? Didn’t you have a great life?” These questions linger in my mind ALL THE TIME.

I had an excellent childhood, and I still have an excellent life. Does that mean I just ignore the biological aspect of my life and act as if it doesn’t exist? I want answers. I want to know the story behind my conception/birth. Do I have other siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins? Does anyone look like me? Do I have the mannerisms of a biological grandparent? Is there a history of diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure in my biological family? Questions!

Therapy has been a saving grace because it allows me a safe space to release these thoughts.

You may be wondering, wouldn’t my parents have the answers? (chuckle)

Well, when confronted, my mom told me that all my paperwork mysteriously got burned. She doesn’t remember the name of the agency that she used for my adoption, and that she has no answers for me. My father, such a quiet man, had no answers. Both confirmed to me that I am THEIR CHILD, and there was nothing or no one that was going to change that.

If I don’t believe anything else, I believe that!

But that does not change the void that I now have. There’s a break in the foundation of my being, and this crack begins to affect all aspects of me... want to talk about it?